Building Trust Game

Turns out that TRUST is important for relationships! It’s time to learn how to build it.

Here’s the scenario. You are going to be together with someone with whom you have major differences in attitude and opinion. You can employ Tactics, Speaking, and Listening to deal with the situation. Some of them are more helpful than others. Which of the following will you do and why? And what ones do you find yourself doing even though you probably shouldn’t?

TACTICS 

1. Avoid the person

2. Avoid the conversation

3. If THE subject comes up, Say nothing

4. Say nothing to them and complain to everyone else

5. Change the subject

6. Hang out around them

7. Express interest in them

8. Learn something about them ahead of time and do some research so you can talk about it

9. Calm yourself beforehand

10. Let someone else know what you are doing so they can support you

SPEAKING

1. Tell them they are wrong

2. Explain why they are wrong

3. Explain why they are wrong nicely

4. Call them names

5. Ask them, Do you REALLY believe that?

6. Ask them, Why do you believe THAT?!?

7. Ask them, HOW can you believe that?

8. Explain to them the ramifications on the world of what they believe

9. Ask them if they want to know what you think.

10. Explain how you are trying to be open to them, and that they aren’t doing that for you

11. Ask what brought them to believe what they do?

12. Ask clarifying questions

13. Reflect what you hear to confirm understanding

14. If asked what you think, use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

LISTENING 

1. Listen for the weakness in their argument

2. Roll your eyes often

3. Interrupt

4. Listen for a pause… so you can get your point in

5. Listen to understand

6. Listen for the person behind the words

Giving God a Pass

Understandably, we humans turn to the heavens to make sense of suffering. But it doesn’t always make sense, does it? Where have you heard yourself or others giving God credit for good stuff this week? What about the bad stuff? Do you just give God a pass on that?

Taking God seriously doesn’t have to mean minimizing people’s suffering or just not thinking so hard.

Do you see God as being part of the world with us or apart from the world? Even 3000 years ago there was a notion that God wasn’t distant and outside our existence but part of it. And all that effort humans spend appeasing God to avoid or explain suffering didn’t make sense. Wonder again at how the ways of God might be counterintuitive but they make sense as you read Psalm 50.

Listen to the full message from Not One Stone: If it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t make sense.

Does God make sense?

With this week’s message Greg Meyer started a conversation about the fine line between holding wonder and mystery, and harboring illusions. How do you know the difference? Are there things that you’ve carried with you that don’t make sense? Are there ways in which you have squeezed out space for wonder or being called to a deeper place?

This is worth wrestling with. Listen to the podcast and talk about it!

Start Small

Talking to a few people at our Open Space experience in which we were making plans on what we could each do to make the world more an us place, and less an us and them place, I (Greg) heard a common dilemma. There is a tendency towards impatience and fixing big problems. Despite the urgency to change this world in which too many lives are harmed and generational damage is compounding, there are still no short cuts. We must rebuild systems around us from the ground up, and if we want it to last, change within us happens one-step at a time.

Start small. One person was stymied with how to develop meaningful intercultural relationships. The inability to figure out how to get there from where she was in one step was frustrating and discouraging. She was starting too big. Then another person, who was also white-bodied, said she would go to shops where she would be around people of different racial backgrounds and learn how to interact with them in ways that weren’t pushy or inappropriate but conveyed interest, respect and value and take it from there. Small steps. Discovering that such a simple first step might be exactly what is needed was like a lightbulb going off for the first person. “Is such a small step as this person proposed enough?” WRONG QUESTION. This is a Fabric insight: ask a wrong question and you’ll get an unhelpful answer.

What’s a BETTER QUESTION? “Is such a small step a useful next step in getting where you want to go?” That question leads to other better next questions, like, “What do I do with the rapport and understanding of people who aren’t ‘like me?’” and “How do I pass what I am learning on to others?”

Use your people. One of the strategic benefits of a community that is structured around healthy growth is that you aren’t the only one trying to figure stuff like this out. There are others a step ahead of you from whom you can learn. There are others hoping to do what you are to learn from you. And there are others who are right with you. This all creates a friendly atmosphere of mutual accountability, encouragement and learning.

Start small. What is the next piece missing between where you are and where you want to be? Don’t worry about deboarding from the airplane if you haven’t even bought a ticket and packed your bags yet. You’ll get there, but it’s not what’s next for you. (edited)

Step into the growth zone with others. Share ideas here.

The power of a better question

As part of our small ‘t’ truth conversation we’ve come around once again to the power of a better question. What makes a “better” question anyway? Let’s explore one take on it…

Whether it's with friends, family, kids, colleagues or our fellow citizens, we are practiced at asking questions full of opinions and agendas. How can you believe that? Or a couple of my favorite parenting questions, Why did you do that? and Did you [fill in mom’s agenda here] yet? While these may temporarily give me a sense of satisfaction, they also create defensiveness, secrecy and probably some shame in my kids! What I really want to foster are courage, conviction and connection.

So, if “better” could mean more HONEST questions that OPEN up new connections to learning, to each other and to our deeper convictions, I’m in! What are we talking about here? In brief:

Open questions: create discovery and new territory to explore; many possible answers. What are some experiences that have shaped your beliefs?

Closed questions: invite quick, yes/no answers, narrow the field, stifle discovery Did you feel sheltered growing up in a small town?

Honest questions: no answers I hope or expect to hear, trust and invite the wisdom in others to speak. What options have you considered?

Not so honest questions: Leading, I know what I want or expect to hear, may be tainted with cultural assumptions, advice-in-disguise. How do you feel about going to college?

Asking open and honest questions is harder and more powerful than we think.  We need low stakes, relaxed chances to practice. Below are 3 ideas for ways to try it, mess up, talk about it and try again!

ONE: Practice on yourself, in writing. Take an issue where you feel a little stuck and write out a Q & A, trying out questions on yourself as if someone else was asking you.

TWO: Over dinner with a friend or your family what if you just talked about it? “So when people need support or help talking something through, I feel like I could get better at asking helpful questions. What do you think makes a helpful or less helpful question?” Come up with examples together and talk about times with others that you’ve been on the receiving end of open & honest versus closed & not-so-honest questions. How did that feel? Admit that you want to grow in asking better questions and invite them to let you know when it might be time to question your question.

THREE: Here’s an exercise to do with a group…

1. Someone be the askee. Think of a lower stakes decision you are facing. (Maybe an invitation or request you’ve received, plans you are making, changes or purchases you are considering, a minor problem that needs to be addressed…)

2. Explain the decision to your Listener/Question Asker(s)

3. Listener/Question Asker(s) - listen attentively; then take a minute to jot down some ideas for open and honest questions.

4. Start asking! Try out your questions.

5. Hear a question that seems not so open and honest? Time to question your question? Call “PICKLES!” Share why, talk about it for a moment. Then keep going, keep messing up, keep learning.

6. Switch roles.

Have fun practicing!